Circular Reasoning

The usual group of students congregated in the front of the classroom. Professor Martinez’s philosophy class always ended with a spirited discussion after the formal end of class at 2 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Ted decided to go back to college in his 50’s just for such intellectual nourishment. He didn’t have to worry about picking a practical major to earn a living like most students on campus. He was particularly drawn to subjects like philosophy that explored the big ideas of life.

Professor Martinez stood at the blackboard, chalk in hand. “I can best illustrate three theological positions with a series of circles,” she said as she drew two circles on the blackboard. “In this traditional Judeo-Christian view man and God are separate beings. The pantheistic view can be represented this way,” she continued as she drew a single circle. “Man, nature, and God are all part of the same thing. Next comes the view known as panentheism which can be represented this way,” she added as she proceeded to draw a large circle with a smaller circle inside. “The universe represented by the smaller circle is in God, but God is much bigger.”

Ted couldn’t get the image of a circle within a circle out of his head. “Is there any reason why you used circles to represent things instead of another geometric shape?” he asked. “It just makes sense because it is symmetric and the universe does not have any edges,” replied Professor Martinez. “Scientists say that space is curved and we may be living in kind of a gigantic snow globe, so if you go far enough in one direction you may come back to your starting point.” Beads of sweat formed on Ted’s forehead and he felt his heart starting to race. He was a little relieved when he glanced at his watch and realized to was only an hour until his next appointment with Dr. Ferrara.

Ted walked up the three flights leading to Dr. Ferrara’s office. Usually walking three flights was an easy task, but this time he was visibly sweating and he could feel his heart beat loudly. After a few moments in the waiting room which seemed more like an eternity, the receptionist motioned him to enter the psychiatrist’s office. Dr. Ferrara glanced at Ted’s chart for a moment before looking up with a smile. “I increased your dosage of Luvox last week, she said. How have you been feeling since then? Any side effects?”

Ted took a deep breath and looked down. No side effects but I feel just as anxious as ever.

Luvox is our best drug for OCD, but it can take w while for it to work. You are still at a relatively low dose.

Doctor, have you ever had a patient who was afraid of a geometric shape?

I have had patients who have had all kinds of fears. Tell me about it.

I have come to realize that I am terrified of circles. Think about all the negative images about it in our language. We are told that circular reasoning and going around in circles are bad. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. You do not want to go in a circuitous path.

How does this fear of circles manifest itself? When was the last time you felt it?

Only an hour ago. My philosophy professor drew a circle within a circle on the blackboard to illustrate a point and that triggered an anxiety attack.

Tell me about your first anxiety attack.

I think I was about 11-yeasrs old. I was in school and I remember the teacher took us outside on a nice Spring day. She told us to sit in a circle so we could all see each other. I hated that idea. I was never very popular is school. I wasn’t any good at sports so I was always picked last for a team and often got left out. I hated being looked at and just wanted to disappear at that point. Then a terrifying thought took ahold of me. What if I didn’t really exist? In fact, what if the universe didn’t exist? Why is there something instead of nothing? I remember being paralyzed with fear, but I didn’t say anything. In fact, I never told anyone about it until now.

It sounds like you felt other kids ignored you in school. That feeling must have intensified when you were in that circle because it made you aware that you weren’t part of the group. It wasn’t as obvious in a classroom where you all faced the teacher instead of each other. That triggered your fear of nonexistence, and now you try to deal with it by channeling your energy into an intellectual understanding of existence.

That makes a lot of sense. I have been reading a lot of Jung recently, and he said the circle is the most powerful religious symbol. He described it as one of the great primordial images of mankind. In considering the symbol of the circle, one is analyzing the self. I also remember reading in Plato somewhere that the soul is a circle.

What significance does it have to you?

I think it’s a symbol of an existential or spiritual crisis I was going through even a such a young age, and I never came to terms with it. I got a Doctorate in neuroscience as a way to try to get answers to my questions about the soul or mind and existence. But I never used my education in my career. I wound up going into business and climbed the corporate ladder. Now those same questions come back to haunt me. I think in a real sense my fear of the circle is really a fear of analyzing myself because I’m afraid of what I might find.

An what do you think you might find if you did analyze yourself?

I might find that I don’t like myself very much. Or maybe there is nothing at the center of the circle, only an emptiness inside that I have to hide even from myself.

Do you normally remember you dreams and did you have any lately that you can recall?

I don’t normally remember dreams, though I know I have them because I often wake up in a sweat like I just saw something frightening. But I do recall a vivid one from last week,

Tell me about it. Was it frightening?

Yes. There was a feeling of not being able to move any part of my body, yet I felt conscious at the same time. There was pitched humming sound with a pulsation that seemed to get louder and stronger quickly, along with the vision of geometric shapes floating in the black abyss. Everything slowed down and seemed to be moving backwards as my body melted into the bed that didn’t even seem to be there anymore. Very distinct and powerful three-dimensional shapes were twisting and rotating in my sight, until I felt dizzy. The dizzy feeling was overwhelming and then one of the shapes, a circle, seemed to squeeze itself out of another shape, a double helix that was rotating. The circle then twisted like the figure eight. It was always the figure eight that was overwhelming because the shape kept getting larger and larger with its pulsating presence until I felt like I was being suffocated with it. It throbbed and pulsated with energy. I couldn’t run, couldn’t get away…I was completely terrified. The expanding dimensions of time seemed to revert backwards inside of me. All the while the shape got larger. There was no escape. I would finally open my eyes and be drenched in sweat, my mouth so dry I couldn’t swallow.

That was an intense dream, more like a nightmare. You say the geometric shapes were floating in the black abyss. We all fear the abyss, which I think represents the fear of death, the great unknown. None of us know where we go when we die. However, your fear seemed to stem more from the circles getting larger and pulsating with energy as you described it. I think that stems from more of a fear of your own power. You have something within you, some force, that you are repressing, and you fear it enveloping and devouring you. I know that sounds like a very Freudian interpretation, but that’s what your dream tells me. Next time we need to delve further into your unconscious to see what that is.

I think I know what it is. I feel a lot of repressed rage from all the years of bullying. I just don’t know why it gets represented as geometric shapes. I mean I can see some symbolism there. The double helix represents DNA, the building block of life. The figure eight on the side is the mathematical symbol for infinity and the circle is the representation of zero or nothingness. The themes of nothingness and infinity are in my thoughts a lot, and they are frightening thoughts particularly when mixed with rage. Do you think my obsession with the philosophical issue of being and nothingness can be satisfied by studying philosophy? I always try to understand things intellectually rather than emotionally.

I think our work in therapy as well as your academic studies can lead to better self-exploration which can help you resolve your issues. That in combination with medication, of course.

Ted looked out the window and took a deep breath. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The sun looked like a red, rubber ball in the early Fall twilight, and birds were chirping on the window sill. It may not be such a bad night after all, he thought.